nepaliketi

I fear I may have written about this before – maybe not an entire blog post, but definitely referred to it one or twice or ten times, who knows.

Ever notice how in Nepal we are all about categorizing people? It’s not just about putting people in boxes but putting boxes on top of each other so we can rank them. Men – women. Educated – illiterate. Employed – Berojgar. Thulo manche – sano manche. Rich – poor. You get it. Of course this happens everywhere else but in Nepal where we put people is a dead give away because for some odd reason we don’t like to use the good names our good parents gave us.

We like things like “dai” and “didi” and “aunty” and “uncle”. All fine and sweet – even I like that the busboy is a “bhai” that the shopkeeper is an “uncle” and my mom’s friend an “aunt”. But what makes me laugh out loud is when people say “Sir” and “Madam”. Sir is for obvious sad reasons said way more often than Madam, but even Sir makes me think we’re all just having a good laugh.

Something about saying “Sir” conjures images of a perfectly postured old man with a bow tie and tweed jacket. And when I hear Madam I either imagine a French piano teacher or (depending on how it’s pronounced) the big lady in charge of a brothel. So, neither of these words come out of my mouth all too often. I get it’s a mark of respect but I don’t think you can just add “Sir” or “Madam” and have paid your dues. I was in a class in Nepal once where students addressed their Sirs and Madams as such but never came prepared for lessons, they didn’t read their text and they just sat there. I think you could say Sir/Madam for the rest of your life and that it would still be disrespectful to not take the class seriously. Same with work, I mean why say Sir/Madam when you don’t respect your boss? If they aren’t men and women of integrity it’s not your problem, it’s their’s. So why pretend and add the undeserving title?

The thing about not using our good names is that it all gets so confusing. I look abnormally young for my age (for instance a year after earning my BA this guy asked me if I was going to prom) so usually all these dais and didis are actually my bhais and bahinis. The other day I met my mother’s friend’s son. I figured he was younger than me and called him bhai, but he seemed to take offense to that. And he asked me how old I was, surprised to hear 26 he said he was too, then he asked my birthday and quickly claimed that I was his bahini by a few weeks. Not that I get a great sense of being amazing based on if strangers are bhais or dais, I agreed.

The thing is all these titles are kind of there to put people into place.

Take for instance a recent email conversation I had. I will call the person Kunike because I can’t think of a good name. So I wrote to Kunike dai (as I do to most men older than me with whom I have a professional relationship, only if they are Nepali). They wrote back asking what the “dai” was about. I didn’t have an answer so the next email onwards I just wrote “Dear Kunike”. But, about ten emails in I wasn’t sure if by questioning the “dai” he meant to suggest we talk to each other as equals or if he was hinting he deserved the “ji” (which I only use for people older than my parents age with whom I have a professional relationship, and not familial, because than they’d be aunty/uncle).

The thing about “ji” is that I use is sparingly because I was a member of the Nepal Democracy Forum and I was so eager to join the group which seemed to be comprised of all Nepali intellectuals who cared about and carried forth the torch of democracy. Then I realized everyone starts their email with Kunike JI and Kuniko JI but then proceeds to lambast whoever they addressed. Sure, constructive criticism and all that is great, but destruction of another human being’s soul can never be a good goal. The entire email would be so rude and emotional and petty that all the JIs couldn’t makeup for how disrespectful the entire email was.

Anyway, titles in Nepal get in the way, methinks. They’d serve a purpose if the objective wasn’t to rank people and if the action following made sense, but since more often than not they do neither I vote for just using the good names we’ve been given.